From all you once knew

[written from a high altitude en route from Sydney to San Francisco]

It’s a strange feeling: to be gone, to be away, to be far from all you once knew. You don’t really feel it when you’re still in the familiar. It was normal everything until the very end. You thought it would be ‘sadder’ - whatever that means, but it wasn’t. At least, you don’t think. When everyone was there, your heart was full, but tears were not involved. You thought they would, but they didn’t, and you felt kind of bad. Maybe you wanted to keep a straight face, persuade the rest that you were okay, and that this is an exciting adventure (which it is, of course). You were touched, but it hadn’t hit yet. 

Only when you get on the plane did your body catch up with the deepest part of your heart. Only then were you fully grateful of who was there; saddened by who wasn’t. Only then did every word said, sent and spoken, reach your entire being. Your heart began to ache, your tears began to fall as texts came in and altitudes peaked. Your mind was a mess, but your soul - oh, your soul was the only part of you that was still. It was the only thing that was quiet. It was consumed by P E A C E. It became the daughter of peace. It held the mind, the body, and the heart - kept each of them safe in close connection. 

It had power. 

Peace had power.

These last few moments were when you realised - when you fully realised what your heart truly desired. Your heart became vulnerable, then your mind stopped thinking properly, then your body followed in this string of stupidity and recklessness, to produce a truth. It finally hit you. It was not simple anymore. In fact, it had stopped being simple for a while now. But now you realise that you were in love; that you are in love - deeply, madly, crazily in love. With so many things. People, places, concepts, comfort, ease. It hurts - that’s why you’re always breaking down. You can’t get it out of your head. You're just in a state of missing. You’re grieving. You just need time.

At the end of the day, this is real life. You are pursuing something important. You are pursuing God. You can’t lose control in this world, you need to lose control in the arms of the Father - it’s the safest place.

from a different perspective,

CITRA